Welcome to my world. As an adolescent substance abuse treatment counselor I have the privilege and sometimes the horror of knowing the inner worlds of adolescents ages 11-18. "Why should I care? You ask, My kid doesn't use drugs." Perhaps not. But then this blog isn't a
">bout adolescent substance abuse.
We've all heard the myriad stories about online bullying and the ensuing rash of suicides that often follow. Even so, the primary issue there is actually bullying not internet use itself. It is therefore my aim in this blog to fill some of the gaps in parental knowledge regarding tech trends, trends in adolescent social media use as well as the current and future importance of establishing "social capital". More on that later.
So why, you ask, am I an authority on this subject? Actually I'm not. Not yet anyway. However, thanks to Federal Confidentiality Rules that limit the re-disclosure of information about clients in substance abuse treatment, I am an authority regarding the actual thoughts, feelings and behaviors in which adolescents engage without their parent's knowledge. This includes on line behavior. It is this knowledge that has propelled me onto the emerging tsunami of social media that is about to impact every facet of life as we know it.
So, if you are a parent, ask yourself these questions. When was the last time your adolescent was online? What were they doing? To whom were they communicating? On what sites? Who do they have as online contacts or friends? What was the content of their searches? Their conversations? Do they use Chat Box or Chat Roulette? Do they have My Space, Face Book, Instagram, Twitter, Tumbler or Four Square accounts. How familiar are you with these sites? Assuming that you are tech savvy yourself; are you listed as a contact or a friend on every Social Media site that your child is on. Do you have the user name and password for each Social Media site to which your child belongs and has an account? If not, then how can you be sure you know what they are doing?
But wait. Before you answer let me counter a few common parental thinking errors when it comes to adolescents behavior on line
Thinking error number one: "I trust my child". I have a 14 year old son. I trust him too. Even so, I wouldn't leave him alone with a loaded gun without first providing some extensive education in the safety and care of fire arms followed by an extended period of supervised, demonstrated, competency on his part. People commit physical suicide with firearms. They commit social suicide with the internet.
Thinking error number two: "Social Media is a fad. Its just a bunch of silly nonsense for kids." Wrong again, Online presence via social media is score-able similar to one's credit score and is becoming more and more relevant every day. Everything from insurance quotes to college admission to student loans and future employment will be heavily impacted by by one's online reputation. Like any social skill, building a positive reputation online does not come via osmosis. It must be taught and learned.
Thinking error number three: "So what if my kid does stupid things online now. We'll just make sure he or she deletes it." Sorry but no. While there apparently are some very very complicated very labor intensive methods for deleting yourself from the web, for the most part what ever goes on the web now stays on the web somewhere forever. What your child does on line now will more than likely have an impact on the quality of his or her opportunities later in life.
Have I struck a chord in you yet? If the answer is yes then please join me as I venture to learn and hopefully teach the nuances of pro-social social media use to adolescents in the physical world as well as online.
So true!!! My Daughter that is 12yrs old, has had a phone since she was six that her dad and grandma gave her. So naturally a couple of years ago when the smart phones came out they thought it would be a great idea to give her one. WRONG!!! In December when I returned from Hawaii and my daughter came to live with me, I very quickly realized what a problem the internet and social media had become! My daughter had already gained access to EVERYTHING she could possibly want to get ahold of. She not only had one facebook account but MANY!! She had myspace and tumbler as well. Her father said well tumbler is harmless it's all pictures. Have you seen what kind of pictures these young people post?! My daughter and her friends would take all kinds of pictures of themselves and post them. Other people could edit them and repost them! Very dangerous!! And, it was landing in the wrong hands and was very inappropriate stuff!! I was horrified and what I was seeing!! So I took the home computer and put parental controls on it that were extremely strict!! Did not matter tho becuase she had a smart phone. So naturally the next thing to go was the smart phone. My daughter was SOOOO ANGRY at first! She now has a basic parental controlled cell phone. NO INTERNET!! It was hard at first, but since then I have watched many changes for the positive. The influence that she was getting via the internet was horrible. My daughter had gotten into "cutting" and over the internet she learned all the tools she could use, without having to use a knife, how to do it and where your parents or others would not notice. VERY DANGEROUS!!! She had no filter! Not too mention now pictures and things she wrote out there in cyberspace, never to able to erased!! All you have to do is google someones name, or use a people search.. OH MY the things that come up! Try it sometime! My daughter has been without the internet, well except for controlled now for almost 4 months and she never mentions facebook or myspace or tumbler anymore. Another hard part was even when I took thoose things away from her, her friends at school had smart phones! So she still had access!!! I felt like I was in a loosing battle! Do I take her friends away from her now too?? She is at a very impressionable age with peer pressure! Infact due to social peer pressure, life stuff, and things she learned by her friends and the internet she has now been expelled from her school and goes to a community rehabilitation school. I thought this was really bad, and it turns out it has been AMAZING for her! She is with a group of kids that all landed in the same place due to bad choices! So none of them have smart phones, and make better choices, and are learning to be more responsible and positive! For being in a rehabilitation school they are so much further along than the normal middle school kids because of the skills they are learning. So here it is.... do I trust my kid? NO ... why because she is a kid! It is my job to give her oppertunities to earn trust and become responsible and have integrity and wisdom, good morals and values by the time she becomes an adult! I would be a fool to trust her with things that she is suppost to learn not already know. She is not me. She is her own person! Her choices do not always reflect me as a parent or a person. I am given the oppertunity to shape and mold that as the situations arise. If I walked around and said I trust her cause "shes a good kid" then I am not allowing her the oppertunity to mess up and grow from her experiences. Then when she is going through different developmental stages and testing boundries trying new things. I would have my blinders on and I would be failing to protect her!! Bottom line is WATCH OUT FOR SOCIAL MEDIA.... Choices are being made everyday that CAN NOT BE TAKEN BACK OR ERASED.....EVEN AFTER THE BEHAVIOR IS CORRECTED!!! Kids do not have the maturity yet, to realize that what they do now could come back up years later!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your input Amanda,
ReplyDeleteAllow me to digress a bit from the exclusive subject of internet and social media.
As you may already be aware, stories like your daughter’s are not at all uncommon. And so this response is directed to the general audience reading this blog. “Cutting” a.k.a. self mutilation among adolescent females along with posting “cutting” pictures and discussing the topic online is a growing fad. Barring an infection, cutting is usually not life threatening nor is it normally an indication in it self of suicidal ideation or suicide attempts. It is never the less, always an indication that some type of intervention / counseling is required. I frequently encounter girls that engage in cutting as substance abuse and self mutilation are often co-occurring behaviors.
As scary as it first appears it is important to understand how to best respond to a child engaged in self mutilation. The first rule of thumb is to remain absolutely calm! Self mutilation can be, but is not necessarily, an indication of a more serious psychiatric disorder which must be diagnosed and treated by a qualified licensed professional. If this is the case, then an overly emotionalized and dramatic response to your child’s self harm could actually reinforce the behavior rather than curb it. If that is not the case then a calm level headed response will engender trust and a willingness to be honest in your child. Most adolescents would prefer to confide in their parents regarding their substance abuse and other harmful behaviors but don’t for fear of their parent’s impulsive emotional reaction. As a side note, I think it is important to mention that parents should avoid going online, as so many do, to gather information from sources meant for qualified professionals and proceed to LABEL their child with a diagnosis. Please don’t as you will only make the situation worse.
That said it helps to have a basic understanding of what drives self mutilation. Simply put it is usually anger and sadness. Many girls I see report that the physical pain distracts them from the emotional pain. Another fact is that statically speaking, females are more prone to internalized anger which leads many adolescent girls to take their rage out upon themselves. Males on the other hand are more prone to externalized anger and are therefore more likely to break their fist punching a wall. Tell me which behavior causes more stigma and alarm within our society? At any rate, if your child is engaging in self injury please seek counseling support for your child from a qualified licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, clinical social worker or a marriage and family therapist.
Now back to the internet. The fact of the matter is that wherever two or more adolescents have and interest in a particular topic there will be related content posted online. Nothing is taboo. Therefore it is important to understand another rule of thumb. If your child has access to friends then your child has access to the internet. Regardless of the boundaries you may establish in your home. “Great! So what can I do? You ask. Stay tuned there are strategies and solutions. That is the subject of the next blog entry coming soon:-)